Don't tell me what to do! The science behind it.

This was first published on my newsletter Everyday Courage: https://chaijoping.beehiiv.com/p/dont-tell-science-behind

Psychological reactance is that rebellious feeling we get when someone tells us what to do, threatening our sense of autonomy.

Think back to when you were a kid. Your mom reminded you to clean your room, and even though you were planning to do it, suddenly, you didn’t want to anymore.

It kicks in whenever we sense that our autonomy is being threatened

Consider a work situation where your boss micromanages a project you’re passionate about. Despite your initial enthusiasm, you might find yourself resisting their instructions and losing motivation.

Another example is in relationships. When a partner insists you change a habit, your immediate reaction might be to dig in your heels, even if you agree with the change. It’s not about the habit itself; it’s about protecting your freedom to choose.

We often sabotage our future selves with "I should" statements

Or think about your fitness goals. You set a target to exercise daily, but the moment you frame it as something you "have to" or “should do”, it starts to feel like a burden, and you may procrastinate.

Some ways to overcome it

Nir Eyal, author of Indistractable, suggests a powerful mindset shift: replace "I should" with "I get to" or "I deserve to." Instead of feeling restricted, you’ll feel empowered.

Consider Coaching: It empowers you by allowing you to retain control over your responses and decisions.

You're more likely to work on plans and follow through with them because you created them, not because someone else imposed them on you.

This respects your autonomy and helps you align your actions with your values and goals.

So, next time you feel that resistance bubbling up, pause and ask yourself: Is this psychological reactance talking? Having courage and recognizing why this happens is the first step to overcoming it.